And So It’s Another New Year

2012 has come and gone without much fanfare. I happily spent New Years Eve quietly at home in my cozy apartment with Cole Porter, red wine and Don Draper for company. It wasn’t flashy and it certainly wasn’t very exciting, but to me, it was perfect. There’s no question that I’ve had a “difficult” year (it’s fair to say that that is a mild assessment), so to be able to enjoy my cozy Brooklyn apartment without too much worry or preoccupation about the state of my health, was the greatest gift I could ask for. The last three months of this year have ushered in quite a bit of change. Mostly for the better. I wanted to take a little time to recap a couple of things that have been going on as well as document my “intentions” for the upcoming year (“resolutions” are so passé apparently). So here it is:

I’ve Been a Human Guinea Pig and It’s Not So Bad

Not long after my last blog post, my health was vacillating between a stagnate, still miserable state or declining rapidly; basically it was going in every direction except for up. Faced with very few options, as I had exhausted pretty much every available Crohn’s treatment, I was left with a choice between surgery or a clinical trial. I met with both a surgeon and a doctor at Mt. Sinai who facilitates research trials for IBD (that’s inflammatory bowel disease for those in the know) to try and make what was essentially, an impossible decision. After a lot of thought (and a lot of tears),  I chose to go in the trial direction. Although there were definite risks; mostly that there was a 50% chance for not getting the drug at all, I was quite frankly desperate and felt that it was the next logical step in my treatment plan. I had to go through a six week “wash out period” where I stopped all medications before I was eligible to start the trial. This was absolutely a scary time as I didn’t know if I was going to plummet even further without anything to keep the disease in check, no matter how moderate that “check” might be. There were a couple of complications here and there, but the important thing is, I survived only slightly worse for the wear.

The trial I’ve been undergoing is stem cell based. Technically, I suppose it’s a drug, but mostly it’s not. There is nothing artificial or chemical about it; nothing is suppressing your immune system or altering your biological functions (like a majority of the Crohn’s medications do), which is a large part of the reason why I wanted to participate in the first place. The medications that I have been on in the past are incredibly strong, sometimes scary drugs that have a whole host of side effects that can make you feel just as terrible as the disease does. So far, there have been no reported side effects with the stem cells during the trial. No, seriously, no reported side effects; hard to believe, but true.

It took a while, I was a “late responder,” as the doctor said, but the bottom line is, I started to respond. The last few weeks I’ve been improving bit by bit and I can honestly say I haven’t felt this good in years. I have a little ways to go and I’m not technically in “remission,” but I couldn’t be happier with the improvements I’ve made.

Being in a clinical trial is strange. You have to record your behaviors and forfiet a large chunk of your time for appointments and tests. I don’t think anyone signs up for these things unless they’re in an acute state of desperation, which I absolutely was.  Obviously the drug is not available on the market and there is no precedence for it’s long term effectiveness or consequences for that matter, but that’s the risk you take when you participate. It’s working for now and that’s really all that I can focus on, and really, I’m completely grateful.

Working Girl (No, Not That Kind)

A month ago, the department at my company underwent a complete reorganization. This left me in a group with 33 other people who were unfortunately laid off. I’m still working there through the end of this month, but come February, my time will be ending. When the news came, I handled it surprisingly well (if I do say so myself). I didn’t freak out and I wasn’t even upset necessarily so much as I felt it was time for change. I have absolutely no idea what is going to happen or where I’m going to end up, but I think whatever it is, it’s going to be ok and it’s going to be positive. I’m very open to whatever happens next; whether I find a new position with my current company or find a new company to work for, I welcome the change and the opportunity to move my life forward by whatever means possible. A part of me thinks that all of the battles this year I’ve had with my health have prepared me to deal with just about anything; that sort of trauma to your life really gives you a different perspective on things and whether you’re aware of it at the time or not, you come out on the other side a different, and hopefully better person because of it. Which segues quite nicely into…

Different, but Better and Happier

In 2012, I had a lot of time to think. I spent a lot of time with myself doing very little and interacting with very few people outside of my doctors. This was difficult, depressing, maddening, and frustrating in more ways than I can effectively articulate. I had the opportunity (more-so by force of circumstance rather than choice) to think about how I live my life and the choices I make and ultimately, who I am. It didn’t happen all at once and most of the time it felt like nothing was happening at all, but now as I’m entering the other side of all of this, I can see just how much I’ve changed and how much personal and emotional growth I’ve been through. Oddly enough, I feel more myself than I ever have; more confident, more secure, and happier. Almost everything changed for me in 2012, my world was turned upside down and put back together in a very unfamiliar way, but I’m handling it. Apparently therapy does work sometimes.

Marching Onward, Moving Forward

So now it’s 2013 and I feel in a lot of ways like a brand new person. I don’t know if I would say I have resolutions for the year so much as I have intentions on how I want to live my life moving forward and what I can do to feel more fulfilled personally, creatively, and emotionally. One of the things I intend to do more this year is this; write. I’ve missed writing and  when I don’t do it I think that my neuroses take over a little too much; it helps me to get out of my own head. I will be updating this blog much more frequently than I have in the past and will be focusing more on film and pop culture. Since graduate school is on hold for the time being, I realized I still need an outlet for all of these thoughts that circle my brain. I enjoy theory and critical thinking, so I’m going to use this as my “academic” outlet. I need more projects; goals and things that I can work towards that are enjoyable and fulfilling. I will hopefully be writing more film reviews and coming up with some interesting features to do on a regular basis, which brings me to…

The Woody Allen Project

I’ve had this thought floating around in my head for quite some time that I wanted to watch every one of Woody Allen’s films (specifically just those that he’s directed, which is still a lot) and write about/review each one. I’m still not sure of the form it will take or if it will interest anyone except for myself, but I think it will be enjoyable nonetheless. Eventually I think it would be fun to rotate directors whom I adore (Almodovar, Hitchcock, Truffaut, etc.), however for now, it will just be Woody.

I’m hoping to do Take the Money and Run sometime this week. Stay tuned.

Onward!

I generally have some distaste for overly saccharine posts about the new year, but my outlook on this one is different and a little bit less cynical than I’m used to. I’m looking forward to this year being better than the last by leaps and bounds.

Sometimes (oftentimes) things don’t go exactly as planned.

I’ve been meaning to write a post on this ghost-town of a blog for quite a while now, but I kept finding better things to do; like watching Battlestar Galactica for multiple hours or reading Mindy Kaling’s memoir straight through in one sitting. One thing I have not been doing is being a very productive human being.

On that point however, I have an incredibly good reason. Since the beginning of the year, a lot of things in my life have shifted dramatically. See, I’ve been sick. Sick in a way that I never thought I would be sick. I had to withdraw from graduate school and I’ve spent the better part of the last six months in and out of the hospital or lying in bed. I have Crohn’s disease and have had it for the past four years. It’s not something that I’ve ever felt comfortable talking about before, but these last few months, it’s become impossible to hide as it’s effectively dominated the scenery of my life. It’s not even something I necessarily want to talk about now, however being ashamed of it adds to the emotional tumult, which is already more than I can handle most days.  I had never been this sick before and I don’t think that I was ready to deal with the physical or emotional challenges that I have been faced with. Having a chronic illness is not a picnic on the best day. When that illness spirals out of control leaving you and your doctors trying to play catch up to it, it’s a nightmare. I’ve been on and off more medications than I can count and heard the phrase “Let’s just try…and hopefully we’ll get you feeling better…” so many times that it lost all meaning. I spent my 26th birthday lying in bed in tremendous pain, just one day out of an almost week-long stint in the hospital. I kept hoping everyday that things were going to turn around, but the weeks and months just started to blur together and nothing was improving; in fact it was getting worse. I finally decided to take a leave of absence from work and have been in Colorado for the past few weeks so that I could be taken care of by family. It’s difficult as an adult to be in a position where you find yourself needing to be so dependent on your parents (in my case my mom, who has been a saint) again. At my worst, and even the best of the worst, I was barely able to feed myself let alone do any of the things that a normal person does on a basic everyday level to just live. Taking out the garbage or  getting a glass of water was sometimes an impossible task.

Taking a leave of absence and getting out of New York for a little while has proved to be a positive choice in getting control of my health again. I started a new medication at the beginning of May after another stay in the hospital. It does seem to be working and slowly things are improving. I still have bad days every week; some times more than others, but by allowing myself to get the rest I need and finally finding a medication that has a chance to work, I’m hoping that the next six months will be much better than the previous.

I am definitely ready to give up the role of “patient.” My life has been so affected by this I’m not quite sure how to move forward. During this time, I’ve had to re-evaluate a lot of priorities and try and figure out what is best for me and me alone. I’m not sure when I’ll be going back to graduate school or even if I should. I love school and I love the program, but I need to manage my stress better and make sure my health and my body becomes a priority. The stress of working full time and taking a full time graduate course load absolutely sped up the progression of my disease and seemed to initiate the downward spiral I found myself trapped in. I also realized that the entirety of my twenties has been spent working and going to school. I have put a tremendous amount of pressure on myself to achieve certain milestones that I assume will give me the life I want, but in the end, I don’t even know what I want my life to look like. I certainly feel as of late that I haven’t been enjoying it. I want to pick up some hobbies, I want to travel, and I want to just have fun and maybe figure out myself a little bit in the process. I am absolutely taking another semester off of school as my health is still 60% at best. Beyond that, who knows. I frequently have a conversation with myself on this subject where the punchline is always about failure and if I think about it too much I convince myself I’m somehow less intelligent or ambitious if I decide to not go right back to school. I’m working to override those thought patterns because ultimately, grad school will always be there, and as I’ve discovered these last several months, your health or your life may not be. Also, on a purely practical level, it is ridiculously expensive. Even with a partial scholarship like I had, the additional amount I would need to borrow to complete the program is not exactly a drop in the bucket. With student loan interest rates doubling (thanks Congress!), this is not something I take lightly. I honestly don’t know if I want to add more debt at this time in my life and I’m sure if I finish school, my debt just may be closer to six figure territory than I am comfortable with. I already live in a very expensive city and am not sure I could afford the high payments that would be demanded of me in addition to my rent and other bills.

I’ll be returning to New York before the end of the month and am both eager and a little scared. I miss my home and I miss the city, but the reality is my health still isn’t 100% and I’ll be on my own again dealing with all of the challenges that managing a chronic illness entails. Not only that, I need to start “rebuilding” my life so to speak. I know I can make it happen. On the good days, I know that I have the resilience and wherewithal to not give up. My hope is that everything comes out better on the other side of all of this.

 

 

Semester in Review – A Self Evaluation

1. What is it that I am trying to investigate in my practice? What am I most passionate about?

I think I’m still trying to figure out how to define my personal “practice” and what it is I’m trying to “investigate.” This semester, I got a great overview of the media studies field and am still working to see where it is I fit. I have a potential concept that I would like to explore as a thesis, which I was able to explore in several of my classes and have received a lot of positive feedback about. When it comes to production however, I am still more comfortable with theory and wasn’t able to fully express some of the ideas I was working on in a multimedia format. Although, I don’t have specifics at the moment, I can say with certainty that I am passionate about the field of media studies and the idea that theory is augmented by the addition of production tools and creative projects. As I stated, I am still trying to piece all of this together personally, but I feel this semester gave me a good push in that direction.

2. What are my strengths and weaknesses?

As I mentioned previously, I have always been strong when it comes to theory and writing. Both come very easily to me and it is not difficult for me to feel confident in those areas. Where I know I have room for improvement is undoubtedly my production skills. With the exception of a few photography concepts, I was starting from scratch this semester. I knew (and still know) a lot about film theory, but production techniques were never something that I had the opportunity to learn. As someone who always takes pride in their work and is used to being good at what they do, it has been a struggle for me to learn the techniques required to produce effective multimedia material.The Concepts course gave a great overview of the “tools of the trade,” however it seemed to go by rather quickly and I still don’t feel as adept as I would like in certain areas.

3. What are the core elements missing from my practice? How will I obtain them?

I am still lacking proficiency with some of the software and the techniques associated with filming and audio collection. I think there is room for impovement in both areas and I hope to obtain them through continued study and coursework at the New School. I am especially hopeful to become more proficient in the editing process (using FinalCut Pro). This semester, I struggled with having an adequate amount of time to acquire and learn these new skills. Between working a full time job and carrying a 9 credit course load, I was constantly running short on time and felt that I wasn’t getting everything out of the assignments that I wanted to. I am rectifying this next semester by reducing my course load in order to spend enough time and attention on each project so that I can gain the proficiency in these areas to bolster my practice.

4. What was my preferred medium before the course? After the course?

Prior to the Concepts course, my preferred method was theory and analysis. Throughout the semester however, I have acquired a love for photography and intend to incorporate it more into my practice. I also have really enjoyed the editing process and will continue to experiment in the medium.

5. What is the next topic, theme, or question I would like to investigate in my next project?

As I mentioned previously, through my work this semester, I have uncovered a potential thesis idea and intend to work with it more for upcoming projects. I am studying the commodification of nostalgia. While I won’t go into all of the details in this post, I have found myself engrossed in the subject and have been familiarizing myself with nostalgia and memory theory over the course of the semester. My desire is not to do a strictly theory based thesis. I want to incorporate a multimedia element. While I am still uncertain of how that will look, I hope to investigate different ways of presenting it with future projects.

6. What is something I learned in this class that I can teach someone else?

There is a learning curve and it is important to be patient with yourself. (I think I am still trying to teach myself this lesson as well).

7. What is something I will try to do next semester that I have never done before?

I am currently enrolled in the time-based concepts course for next semester and I hope to continue exploring some of the production techniques introduced in the introductory concepts course; even though I have done some of the exercises before, I still feel as though everything is very new. Next semester I hope that I can put together something I am genuinely proud of. I also would like to put together a personal website based on some of the ideas explored recently.

8. What is something I will try to do every day or every week that I did not do before this course?

I want to continue to blog on a weekly basis after this course is over. It has been a very important exercise for me in documenting my journey and struggles as a graduate student, specifically as it relates to media studies.

9. What is a creative project that I would do with a budget of $150 million?

I would love to produce a documentary or film, even though the outlined budget seems rather outlandish for a documentary. Perhaps I’m thinking too small, but it’s the first thing that comes to mind when presented with the scenario that money is no object. Perhaps, I would even start my own production company with the excess funds.

10. How could I do the same project with a budget of $150?

The scale of the documentary would change considerably, but $150 wouldn’t be impossible. I might consider something more web based as opposed to film based, however I think the heart would remain the same.

My Website – A Re-design Analysis

For my personal website, I would like it to be just that, personal. At this juncture in my life, as a graduate student in the field of media, I think that it is most appropriate that my website essentially, sells myself, my accomplishments, and works as a platform to show what I am doing within the field. My goal would be for this site to continue to house a blog as well as my resume, photography, and any other current projects that I am working on. As my career develops possibly, so too can the website. The current incarnation that I have is not very expansive, or designed to the specifications that I would ultimately like. Currently, I do not believe I am utilizing the personal web space to its full potential. Below is a site map of a proposed redesign of the site.

I. Home Page

A. Blog

B. Resume

C. Photography (and/or Projects)

D. About

E. Links

As you can see, the proposed site map is relatively simple. I want to maintain a simple site so that the content can be highlighted. With a personal web site, I do not currently need something overly complicated, with multiple links and sub pages. What I do need is a space that can adequately “sell” myself and help me to plug in to the media studies field.

New York Magazine – A Web Analysis

Even before I moved to New York, I loved New York Magazine for it’s witticisms, it’s current commentary on media and politics, and the window it offered me into New York life. When I finally made the transition to living in New York full time, the magazine became not just a piece of reading material, but a resource for living in a new city. Still, I visit their website daily and read it more often than I do the printed version. The NY Mag website is incredibly well designed and hosts their content in a thoughtful and practical manner. Aside from the longer form content that fits more easily in the magazine context, the site also hosts blogs on various topics that are updated multiple times daily. Daily Intel (Politics), Vulture (Pop Culture), Grub Street (Food), and The Cut (Fashion) are all featured prominently on the main page for easy navigating. The website does offer the magazine content, but features the more web-friendly content (i.e. the blogs), which is a practical choice when building a website. Because the blogs are constantly updated, the web site is something that can be checked throughout the day, increasing traffic, as opposed to a traditional magazine site that is only updated with content perhaps weekly or monthly. In addition to the blog content, the NY Mag website is also a resource for living in New York. As a vibrant, cultural city, with events happening constantly, it is a great resource for finding events, exhibitions, and restaurants. All of these things are easily search-able within the respective headlining categories. NY Magazine’s audience is in the 20-40 age demographic, young, well-informed, social, and integrated/aware of goings on in the city. I think that the site serves this demographic and function exceptionally well. Below is a site map that demonstrates how the site achieves this functionality.

I. Home Page

A. News and Features

  • News and Features Home
  • Daily Intel (Blog)
  • The Sports Section (Blog)
  • Intelligencer
  • Party Lines
  • Business
  • Media
  • Politics
  • Sports
  • Find
  • Current Issue
  • Cover Story & Issue Archives
  • Columnists
  • Kurt Andersen
  • James Cramer
  • John Heilemann
  • Chris Smith

B. Restaurants

  • Restaurants Home
  • Grub Street (Blog)
  • Openings
  • Recent Reviews
  • Adam Platt
  • Robin Raisfeld
  • Rob Patronite
  • Gael Greene
  • Best of NY Food
  • Cheap Eats
  • Where to Eat 2011
  • Food Videos
  • Find
  • Restaurant Listings & Menus
  • Recipes from New York Chefs
  • Gourmet & Wine Shop Listings
  • Sign Up
  • Restaurant Insider Newsletter
  • Grub Street Newsletter

C. Bars

  • Bar and Nightlife Home
  • Bar Buzz
  • Nightlife News
  • Best of NY Nightlife
  • Find
  • Bars & Clubs
  • Club Nights
  • Comedy Shows
  • Cabaret Shows

D. Entertainment

  • Entertainment (Home)
  • Vulture (Blog)
  • David Edelstein (Blog)
  • Agenda Picks
  • Approval Matrix
  • Art
  • Books
  • Classical & Dance
  • Movies
  • Music
  • Theater
  • TV
  • Entertainment Videos
  • Find
  • Movie Tickets & Showtimes
  • Events by Date
  • Theater Reviews & Tickets
  • Concert Listings
  • Gallery Listings
  • Museum Schedules
  • Free Events
  • Sign Up
  • Vulture + Agenda Newsletter

E. Fashion

  • Fashion Home
  • Fashion Shows
  • The Cut (Blog)
  • Fashion Calender
  • Fashion Video
  • Look Book
  • Video Look Book
  • Model Manual
  • The Cut iPad App
  • The Fug Girls
  • Find
  • Runway Looks
  • Shows by Season
  • 100 Best Looks
  • 100 Worst Looks
  • Designers
  • Models
  • Clothing Stores
  • Sign Up
  • Fashion Alert Newsletter

F. Shopping

  • Shopping Home
  • The Cut (Blog)
  • Store Openings
  • Best Bets Daily
  • Best of NY Shopping
  • Home Design
  • Find
  • Store Listings
  • Products and Picks
  • Sales & Bargains
  • Sign Up
  • Shop-a-matic Newsletter
  • New York Deals

G. Agenda

H. Travel

  • Travel Home
  • Five Point Weekend Escapes
  • Winter Travel Planner

I. Real Estate

  • Real Estate Home
  • Real Estate News
  • Real Estate Columns
  • Real Estate Videos
  • Home Design
  • Listings: Rentals
  • Listings: Sales

J. Visitor’s Guide

  • Visitor’s Guide Home
  • NYC Hotel Search

K. Beauty

  • Beauty Home
  • Spa Listings
  • Salon Listings
  • Best of NY Beauty
  • Beauty Best Bets

L. Design

M. Weddings

N. Best Doctors

O. Dating

P. Best of NY

  • Best of NY Home
  • Beauty
  • Food
  • Kids
  • Nightlife/Fun
  • Services
  • Shopping
  • By Neighborhood
  • A-Z List

The Rat Race

I’ve always been a lover of film, but never a maker of film. Through my graduate studies, I have been challenged in more ways than ever imagined and have been met with the opportunity to acquire new skills that I’ve always wanted, but never quite knew where to start. I had always been pretty apprehensive about creating media. Theory and academia have historically been places where I’ve felt comfortable. I always wanted to be the creator, but never had the skills, or the time, or the ideas (at least that’s what I told myself).

Well, the nice thing about graduate school, particularly the New School, is that it forces you to become a participant. I still may not have the time, but what I do have now are the resources. I have incredible access to tools and knowledge that have finally helped me branch out to become a creator of media and not just a critic.

Posted below is my first attempt at a film. As a very harsh critic of my own work, I can’t get past the feeling that there are several things I would like to change and still need to work on, but when I look objectively, I think it’s something to be proud of. Two months ago, I had never shot any video or used Final Cut Pro or really made any media project from start to finish by myself. I still have so much to learn, but I am enjoying the process. I found myself completely engrossed in the editing process; fascinated by the ability to fine tune and create art out of raw footage. It has really broadened my perspective of film in a way that my years of theoretical study have not been able to.

I have a long way to go until I consider myself “proficient,” but everyone has to start somewhere.

The Rat Race from Kelly Dafni on Vimeo.

 

*Note – As an apropos reminder that I’m still learning, the conversion to QuickTime from Final Cut did not go very smoothly and unfortunately there are several distortions in the film that I couldn’t resolve prior to posting. Based on feed back and assistance I receive from my class and professor, I hope that I can correct this at a later time.

Dinner, Party of Nine

Dinner Conversation

This week’s focus on sound prompted me to look at things from a completely new perspective. So often, I don’t notice sound as it’s own concept; it is always part of some other landscape. To focus solely on sound is to discover a new way of looking. Once I started to look for different sounds and isolate them out of context, I was able to see things in a way I hadn’t before.

I rented the Tascam equipment from the New School and did quite a bit of exploration with it, however the recording I was most intrigued by was one that I captured with my iPhone at the spur of the moment. I was at dinner with several friends and recorded about a minute or so of the conversation. What I found really interesting was the way that the space is really defined through the sound clip. As it often is with large parties, you can’t single out one conversation; multiple voices are talking at once – sometimes to each other, sometimes over one another. When you take a moment to just listen to the space and the environment, it takes on a completely new meaning. I really enjoy the way that you hear multiple voices and end up making out phrases and sounds instead of one prolonged conversation. I think that it really captures the dining experience.

The reading from Zettl was also really helpful in fleshing out the ideas of sound and how sound can add new dimensions to visual arts. I find myself being intrigued by the way that sound can really set the tone and “background” so to speak in a relatively unnoticed fashion (when it is done well that is). It has the ability to make something flat, multi-dimensional.

More Phun with Photoshop

Pardon the terrible pun in the title- I couldn’t resist.

As the second part of my Photoshop assignment, I was to create a photo collage and a “doctored image.” I have posted the resulting products below.

First, the “collage” image (and in full spirit of the impending holiday).

 …and the “doctored image.

Original

Altered

I’m still (slowly) getting the hang of Photoshop, but I must admit, it’s pretty fun to play around with; the potential is endless.